How to write!

First of all I would like to thank everyone for the good reviews they have posted for my blog and the generously encouraging comments. Since I have got such good reviews I thought it would be an appropriate step for me to write a post on "How to write" (Talk about a novice bragging about himself!). I hope this will be as entertaining as my other posts. And yes of course like all my other advice, I would advice you not to follow anything that I recommend!


So here are the golden rules which will improve your writing skills:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always!

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

16. Who needs rhetorical questions?

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. A conjunction is a bad word to end a sentence with.

So there you go now you are all set to write on your own (albeit much worse than before!)

CHEERS!!!!

Never Land Ranch AD

I was reading an article recently about the Never Land Ranch owned by Michael Jackson (the place where he was accused of molesting many boys) and started wondering what kind of AD would Mr. Jackson put up if he were to sell of this ranch. Since I know he has no plans to sell this ranch in the near future (for obvious reasons) I thought that I should myself write an AD to aid Mr. Michael Jackson (or rather aid the poor boys who might become his next victim) to sell of this ranch. This is what I thought would be an apt newspaper AD to sell of the priced asset that Mr. Jackson holds:


NAMBLA Times

For sale to NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association, fans of Southpark will know what this association is all about) member in good standing, one 37,000 SF Estate named “Neverland Ranch”. Known as the “Crown Jewel of Beverly Hills”, this exciting property sits high atop a steep cliff where you can spot police cars and irate parents coming from miles away. Unprecedented security features such as an alarm that rings in your bedroom whenever an unknown person enters the compound, leave plenty of time to explain to your guests why they can’t talk about their visit with their parents (i.e., they won’t be allowed to come back, their parents will be mad at them, etc.).

The kiddies (yours or someone else’s) are sure to love almost too kid-friendly features, such as swimming pools, a petting zoo, a ferris wheel, carnival rides, a video arcade, and others too numerous to mention. You’ll love the secrecy of the numerous hidden rooms, each complete with bed, video entertainment center with children’s video library, and warmed lubricant dispenser. Relax in your quiet ‘secret’ library while perusing the catalogue of ‘artistic’ nudes of young boys which we’ll throw in at no extra charge (for personal reasons he’d rather not discuss, there are many items such as this which the owner does not want to risk moving…his loss is your gain).

Asking price is $50 million, however the owner is willing to discuss the possibility of trade for services such as free plastic surgery, or goods such as young white male children. Call 1-800-PED-FILE and ask for Michael Jackson.